My SMBC Story

Name: Trisha

Location: New York

Age: 38 (but 35 when I had my daughter)

In 2016, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer–I was 32. At the time I was living in Houston, Texas, running a non-profit called EMERGE, traveling the world with friends, and living a full life. My mom’s illness and eventual passing in 2018 was the catalyst to my journey into solo motherhood.

Her death put so much in perspective about the finality of life and the precious time we are given. In the final days before her passing, I found myself imagining myself at 62, with limited time left, reflecting on the life I had lived. Those quiet moments gave me clarity about the pieces of my story that mattered most and the shifts required, both in my thinking and day-to-day life, to make them a reality.

Here’s what I wanted to be true:

1. Motherhood

2. Meaningful and authentic relationships

3. Financial stability

4. A full life to live on my own terms

5. Impact

Here’s what didn’t make the top 5:

A husband or life-long partnership, extreme wealth, a huge house, a Mercedes Benz, a job that requires me to work 70 hour weeks, a fancy title on LinkedIn, or a partridge in a pear tree.

While none of the above made the top 5, at that time I was spending A LOT of time swiping on Bumble and Hinge trying to find Mr. Right, ultimately to make #1 happen. Let’s just say Cinderella has nothing on Tinderella. The other four priorities on the list were already in motion but the first one–the most important–relied on finding a partner (or so I thought).

At the time, I was participating in an executive leadership program called CCC Leadership in Dallas, Texas. As part of the program you are paired with an executive coach (hi, Amy) to help you navigate what you are learning in the program. The person I was matched with happened to be a single mother by choice through adoption. Coincidence? I think not. While I joined this program for leadership development, the personal “ahas” I had during my coaching sessions ultimately led me to start researching the solo mama life.

Until that point, I was unable to release the idea that life had to be linear–first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. My parents were married for 40 years and I had never met anyone who chose solo motherhood. However, with my mom’s illness progressing, everything felt “out of order” anyways so my thinking started to shift. Why couldn’t motherhood come first? Why couldn’t I find a partner later?

I was worried about what other people would think in my professional network and how my future child would understand my decision to do things differently but even with fear, I decided to begin.

The SMBC (Single Mother by Choice) Starting Line:

In 2018, a month after my mom passed away, I contacted Boston IVF for a fertility consultation. I had been living in New York for a few months so I decided to take advantage of the clinic located very close to my house. After hours of Googling, I knew getting my baseline testing complete (an ultrasound and bloodwork) was step one. This evaluation gave me an accurate picture of my fertility hormone levels, ovarian reserve and any issues I may have conceiving. I also completed an HSG test to ensure my fallopian tubes were open and my uterus was fibroid and polyp free before starting the process. All of my testing came back clear–I was ready to begin.

A few weeks later, I moved back to Houston, Texas, established myself as a patient at CCRM Houston and decided to get started in January 2019. Since all of my tests were normal, I decided to take the least invasive path to conceive: unmedicated and unmonitored IUI (intrauterine insemination).

But, before I could begin, I had to choose a donor.

Choosing a Donor:

After researching several different cryobanks across the country, I decided to use California Cryobank because of the protocols they had in place that limited the number of families that could use each donor on their site. I read horror stories about donor-conceived kids having 100 siblings and didn’t want that to be my daughter’s story down the road. After watching the disturbing Netflix series “Our Father” I was traumatized and wanted to be very clear on the policies the cryobanks had in place. There were several other banks like Seattle Sperm Bank who followed similar protocols but I felt most comfortable with CCB.

When selecting a donor, I cared about three things (however, this list is different for everyone):

1. Open-ID: the donor being “open-ID” at 18 (so my child could *hopefully meet him as an adult)

2. Medical Records: No history of colon cancer or mental illness reported in the family

3. Good energy. The last one might sound strange to the average person but I work in the people business. I have conducted thousands of interviews in my career. I LOVED listening to each of the donors respond to the questions on the recording. I listened intently to each of the five minute audio interviews, like it was my favorite podcast, to get a feeling for who each person was, what they valued and obviously, what their favorite pet was.

I imagined my daughter having coffee with this man 20 years down the line and decided quickly that if I cringed listening to the five minute interview, he was out. After reviewing hundreds of audio interviews, I made my choice, purchased the vials and had them sent to CCRM Houston.

Engaging My Friends & Family:

Going through this process can be isolating and for some people, secretive. Most of your network has no idea what donor conception entails and you are often the only person they know (and may ever know) who will conceive this way. I found people were genuinely interested in the details and very accepting and excited for me.

After I selected my daughter’s bio-father, I hosted a small house party for my closest friends and family to get a hands-on experience of selecting the donor. I knew I was going to be open about my experience from day one so I started allowing trusted friends and family into the process early-on.

While the donor selection party was a blast, the input of my family and friends had no sway on who I ultimately chose–it was a deeply personal choice. Watching them walk in my footsteps, and vacillate between donors based on new information was really interesting to observe. I set up mini stations (hello former-teacher vibes) with five donor profiles, audio recordings, photos and health records around my family room. At the end of the night, each person had to guess who I selected. While only one person chose correctly, they all left with a deeper understanding of the process–goal achieved! To this day, people still tell me it was one of their favorite house parties.

Trying To Conceive & Pregnancy Loss:

In January 2019, I officially started trying to conceive a baby. After 3 unsuccessful IUIs, I switched to monitored IUIs (which means the clinic monitors your egg growth and hormone levels) during the two weeks leading up to ovulation in order to time the insemination more closely. On try number 5, I became pregnant. It was Mother’s Day when I took the pregnancy test and I remember feeling elated, and overjoyed that it finally worked.

Unfortunately, 13 weeks later, after the most exhausting first trimester, I experienced a devastating pregnancy loss. I went in for a routine ultrasound and found out that the baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks and the heartbeat was gone. I had a D&C in July, took a month off to emotionally and physically recover and in September 2019, I started trying again. To my surprise, I got pregnant right away and 9 months later gave birth to the most beautiful girl I had ever seen–in the middle of the global pandemic (more on this later).

Three years later:

Since giving birth to my daughter in May of 2020, I have relocated from Houston, Texas to my hometown in upstate New York. I changed jobs, launched @TheSoloMama account, and turned my entire life upside down.

Having my daughter is still the best decision I have ever made. I have no regrets. As time passes, I have no doubt that this was the path that was for me all along. I am so happy and in love with the life we are building as a family.

I am launching this blog in addition to the Instagram account (@thesolomama) to share more in-depth information and elevate the stories of other women on the solo mama path across the globe.

Welcome to the The Solo Mama Life Community.