Meet Kiara, Donor Conceived Adult & Daughter of a Solo Mama
Name: Kiara Rae Schuh
Location: Chicago, IL
Age: 26
What year were you born? 1997
What age do you first remember knowing you were donor conceived? Was it open from the beginning? I never remember a time not knowing I was donor conceived. My mom shares a story about how when she was in the hospital giving birth to my older brother she had a conversation with a nurse where she let her know she was a solo mama having a child through donor conception and she hasn't stopped sharing our story since! She told us regularly (even before we could talk) to normalize our family structure and always left it open in case we had any questions or feelings to share.
Growing up, how did you feel about being donor conceived?
I really thought it was normal! Although we didn't know anyone else from a young age who was donor conceived, my mom surrounded us with all kinds of family structures. She instilled pride and confidence in us by sharing our story openly. She modeled how to share our family story and never wavered, which allowed me to eventually take over sharing my story and share whatever I wanted to with whomever. I never felt like I was missing anything in our family. I was curious about my donor and what he looked like and became curious about siblings, but I never felt like I was missing anything. Any other relationships would have been a bonus.
Do you think your experience is typical or atypical from other donor conceived kids? Everyone's experiences and feelings about how they were raised vary and each donor conceived person may feel differently about their upbringing. I know of donor conceived adults that feel the exact same as I do (proud of their existence and family structure) and I also know donor conceived adults that feel differently. I do think though, the donor conceived adults that share a lot of my feelings are those who have known their whole lives or learned as children they were in fact donor conceived. It is not a perfect answer, but I feel that since I've always known, my donor conception status has always been something I'm proud of and I see similar feelings in my siblings who have always known. Parents cannot ensure their kids grow up to be happy and thankful for their upbringing no matter what your family looks like, but they can support their kids, lean into their needs, and listen to them.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your satisfaction with your childhood, specifically being raised in a one parent household and donor conceived?
I would say 9/10. I was going to say a million out of 10, but I think we can all think back on a thing here or there that our parents could've done differently. That is life - no one is perfect, but I am very proud and content with the way that I grew up. It was hard at times financially during the 2008 financial crisis for our family that definitely impacted how I grew up and how I felt I had to take on more responsibility than kids my age, but I wouldn't change a thing about how I grew up. My mom tried to balance working hard for our family and also showing up for us each day. She surrounded us with loving family friends and mentors and role models who have become our chosen family. She helped us grow in confidence in our identity and become our own people. She really was (and still is) supermom!
How do you feel about being donor conceived today as an adult?
I would say I feel the same, if not even more proud of the way I grew up. As an adult reflecting on how I was raised and how I will parent when I eventually become one, I plan on doing a lot of things the same way my mother did. She is my best friend and I am so happy we have such a close relationship.
Have you ever met your biological siblings or father? What was that like?
I have met my donor, 2 of my brothers and 8 of my sisters (one of which is my donor's daughter with his wife). Since submitting my DNA to 23andMe in 2018, I have found 23 siblings in total. There are some siblings who don't wish to be contacted and there are a good chunk of us who meet up on an annual basis. Our latest trip was to Nashville in June 2023. Each time I get to connect with my siblings in-person is such a special thing. The first time I met any of my siblings, it was as if my heart exploded. Everything in that moment made sense. We have an undeniable connection. I'm excited to say about 8 of my siblings and their spouses/moms will be coming to my wedding in September 2023. My mom has become friends with the other SMBCs (single moms by choice). I got to meet my donor in May 2022, along with his daughter in his hometown. He lived near where my brother was going to college, so one weekend when we were visiting him, my mom and I met our donor. He was so kind, pure, loving and so was his daughter. My mom got to thank him for allowing her and other parents to have their children. It was really a very special night for all of us, one that will happen again someday as we've left the door open for future connection.
What are the parts of being donor conceived are you are still processing?
As a woman who is about to get married, I've been processing more recently about what I thought marriage would be like (not having grown up watching a mother + father in my home be in one) and what it is actually like. I definitely watched my friends' parents and how they interacted and how that was different from the home I grew up in. I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be like but it's harder than I imagined haha! Pros to having a baby on your own - you can do whatever you want and you are the sole decision maker, you don't have to worry about any conflict in a relationship with a spouse and how that would affect your kids, you get to help surround them with loving individuals, and you can decide at the right time in your life if marriage is something you'd want to pursue (and not just doing it for a sense of wanting to become a mother). I admire my mom even more now that I'm imagining having kids and how hard motherhood can be!
Would you ever consider the solo mama life if you were single at 38?
100%. I am about to get married so I do envision myself having children with my partner, but if I were single or if we could not have biological children, then I would 100% use a donor to conceive. Watching my mom pour all of her effort into her kids and her relationships with her friends, she taught me wanting a baby was not a good enough reason to get married. I often share how now that I'm getting married and preparing for children, I have a newfound appreciation for solo moms because you are the sole decision maker and get to raise your kids how you want. Granted, I know being a solo mama has its challenges, especially being on one income, but it's definitely something I would consider as I know I want to be a mom.
What laws or policies do you think sperm banks should have to follow now that were not followed when you were born?
I was definitely naive when I started becoming an advocate for donor conceived people. I didn't know how unregulated the industry was. I learned along the way and know there is still a long way to go. I would love to see better policies put in place for reporting births and family limits. Although I love all my siblings dearly, when I hear about certain donors having 50, 60, 100 biological children, it is clearly too much. In addition, I would love to see sperm banks do better to connect donor conceived kids with their biological family (donor and siblings). If a donor, parent of DCP, or DCP themselves wants to connect with one another I believe that should occur. My donor himself actually decided he wanted to put himself out there and we were able to connect with him through Donor Sibling Registry, but if there was a way to opt into contact (after donating/being born) to be connected with anyone else who opts in I feel like that would be beneficial.
What do you want every solo mama/single mom by choice to know about your experience?
I want solo mama's to know that your kid(s) are going to be alright! I think fear and worry tend to manifest into making your worries and fears come true. Now, I think a small amount of concern is healthy and educated decisions are beneficial, but don't let your fears halt your decision making. My biggest advice is to commit to being as honest and open with your kids as possible and make space for their feelings. That is the single most beneficial factor I attribute to my confidence in my upbringing. My mom listened and allowed us to ask questions. She said it was okay if I were curious about my donor or if I wanted to find biological family, she would help me. You can't control what your child will think or how they will feel but you can control how you react.
Tell us about your book, share a link so we can buy it, and tell us about why you wrote it.
I decided to write my memoir, Chosen Family, after I decided to do 23andMe in 2019 and found two biological half-sisters (my donor sisters). As my story unfolded, I kept sharing my story verbally to friends, family, strangers, really anyone who would listen and I got so many responses. "That is crazy - you have to write a book" and "I've never met someone like you before" were definitely the most common responses. I initially started writing to say thank you to my mom for raising me and being a pioneer in her time and a thank you to our village or family and friends who have been there for me since the beginning. It turned into much more than that. Along the writing journey, I got more ingrained in the donor conception community and realized how much negativity is out there. As always, sometimes the negative voices can speak the loudest. I definitely want there to be cautionary tales and individual experiences that we can learn from, but I also wanted to show a picture of a perfectly healthy and happy 26 year old donor conceived / solo mama raised woman living her best life. I wanted to push back against the norm society paints for family structures. I wanted to highlight my sibling experiences as well as we all have different thoughts, feelings, experiences. You can find my book available on Amazon here and learn more about me on my website kiararaeschuh.com or through Instagram @kiararaeschuh.