5 Tips to Select a Sperm Donor as a Single Mother by Choice (SMBC)

If you have jumped on the solo mama/single mom by choice (smbc)/independent parent train in the last few months, you are likely in the process of choosing a sperm donor. 

Side note: can you believe you are using the word “sperm donor” aloud in your normal everyday vocabulary at this point? If not, welcome to the club–it’s normal to feel some discomfort initially but very soon it will feel like the norm.

Choosing a sperm donor is a big decision, maybe the biggest decision after actually deciding to do this in the first place, so take your time. This sperm donor is going to make up 50% of your future child’s DNA so intentionality is critical.

Here are few tips and personal anecdotes from my time selecting a sperm donor:

Choose an ID Disclosure Sperm Donor:

ID Disclosure sperm donors allow the cryobanks to release their identifying information to all offspring when a child turns 18 and makes a request. I spend a lot of time listening, talking to and reading reflections from donor-conceived adults, and having easy access to information about their biological father/sperm donor is one of the most common recommendations shared. 

When you select an anonymous donor, it could make it harder for your child to make contact in the future (if he/she/they are interested). Some banks like California Cryobank (the bank I used) now require all donors to be ID Disclosure to participate since 2018. 

Prioritize What Matters To You:

Selecting a sperm donor is such a personal decision and one that I think takes time to reflect on what matters most to YOU. For some people, it may be race, religion or ethnic background. For others, it may be musical ability, high school GPA or athletic nature. For me, none of those things mattered much. 

Round 1: 300 to 20 Donors

I am a very intuitive person, I trust my gut over my head most of the time. After checking-off “ID Disclosure only” in the California Cryobank filtering system, I looked through hundreds of photos and picked out 20 donors whose photos made an impact on me as I scrolled through the website. If the photo made me slow down, I added him to my “round two” list. 

Round 2: 20 to 5 Donors

After that, it came down to the five minute recorded audio interviews–my favorite part of the donor profile by far. Over the course of my career, I have spent days, and at this point, probably weeks, interviewing people. I listened to every audio interview twice like it was a podcast with one thought in mind: in 20 years from this moment, my son or daughter may have coffee with this guy…does he seem kind, intelligent and humble? If the answer was no, the donor got voted off sperm donor island–Survivor style.

Now in contrast, my sister and her wife who also selected a donor from California Cryobank didn’t care much about the audio interview at all. They were more concerned about the donor resembling one of them and if he had athletic ability because they were secretly hoping for an Olympic athlete to join our family in the future. 

At the end of the audio interviews, I narrowed it down to five donors who met all of my criteria. 

Round 3: 5 to 2 Donors

This is when I started calling California Cryobank customer service. Yes, I am that annoying person who everyone in the office was probably rolling their eyes at when the number showed up on the caller ID but I needed input and I wanted additional information from the bank. 

The client services rep at California Cryobank that I spoke with was super helpful and patient with me. Finally, I reviewed the health history to be sure no one had any reported history of colon cancer (my mom passed away of this in 2018) and then I let fate take over. I picked my top choice and had vials shipped to my fertility clinic in Houston.

*I did end up selecting two donors that I would have been comfortable with in the event that I didn’t have success with one. 

Involve Others…Later:

I know that many people involve others in their decision to select a sperm donor but I did not do that until I had already selected the guy I was going to use. 

I had a small “Sperm Donor Party” with close friends to help them get an inside look and understanding of the journey I had embarked on towards solo motherhood. I printed off all of the materials from the California Cryobank website (the health history, donor profile, audio interview and photos). I set up stations around my living room with homemade rubrics and let my friends attempt to guess who I selected based on what I shared was most important to me. Most people narrowed it down to the same top two but only one of my friends picked the donor I selected. 

The way I thought about input was, I wouldn’t let my friends pick my husband, boyfriend or future partner, so I decided it was the same with this. I did not want anyone’s opinion to sway the sperm donor who would make up my daughter’s other half so I picked him myself and then involved family & friends later. 

Reserve Multiple Vials Upfront:

It takes most people many hours to select a sperm donor. It is a time investment. The last thing you want to happen is to finally select the sperm donor you want to use, go through two unsuccessful IUIs or rounds of IVF and when you go back to order additional vials to try again, the donor is retired or has sold out and you are back at square one. California Cryobank keeps their total vial numbers updated online so you can check in periodically on the quantity available but if you have the funds to reserve vials for the future upfront, I highly recommend considering it in order to give you peace of mind.

Use a Trusted Cryobank:

Becoming a solo mom is the biggest decision of your life. Spend time doing your research and calling customer service at all of the cryobanks you are considering–I did. While there are many smaller sperm banks across the country and the world, I appreciated the longstanding history, support and professionalism I experienced with California Cryobank. I also liked that they have a family unit limit, that all new donors are ID Disclosure since 2018, and how comprehensive the donor profiles were. 

Choosing a donor to start your family is a big decision but choosing a trusted partner to work with through this process is equally as important. Take your time, do your research and choose a cryobank that is the best fit for you.